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Writer's pictureMichael Scarn

TLM Class Superlatives

Welcome, TLM members to the Class Superlatives post! These nicknames/jokes/hard truths/identities are given to you to celebrate another successful* three weeks of football. Each of The Twelve will receive two names. By no means should you feel bad about what name you've been given, but you should embrace your place in the league and work harder toward the success of your team.


To the Threat Level Midnighters, From Zack a.k.a. "Goldenface"

 

Reagan “Linkin Park” Cotton

He's tried so hard and got so far. But in the end, it didn’t even matterrrrrrr. With Reagan currently back in 10th place (still an improvement!), all his hustle in trades and film-watching may be another waste of time. I appreciate the stability he has brought to a team that previously replaced owners in back to back years, but with the arrogance that he values players with, it is fun to see him not be able to get out of the cellar.


Reagan “Air Raid” Cotton

We spent all summer questioning Reagan’s running back room, and him trading down in the draft instead of trying to trade up to grab Clyde Edwards-Helaire or Jonathan Taylor may again prove costly. With 16(!!) Wide Receivers currently on the roster, I am becoming concerned that he may not understand that there are other positions that need to be filled.


Austin “Tough to Watch” Heeres

When Mike Clay convinced Heery that Corey Coleman was of similar dynasty value to David Johnson in his prime, the long-term viability of his roster was quickly shortened. After trading what is likely to be the 1.1 or 1.2 to Zack for Julio Jones during a year that he finished 5-8 (with a hefty amount of injuries), the decision-makers have been questioned for not understanding

the need for a rebuild quickly enough. However, Heery decided in Summer 2020 to shoot for the

ground and find value for his aging players and jumpstart his rebuild, collecting a young WR duo

in CeeDee Lamb and Jerry Jeudy and a plethora of fun future 2nd round picks. This will be the lowest-scoring and likely lowest win total team in the history of TLM.


Austin “Does veteran leadership count for points in Fantasy?” Heeres

Ryan Fitzpatrick (37), Larry Fitzgerald (37), Greg “Third Leg Greg” Olsen (35), and many late 20’s RB’s have been brought in to bring this team through the rebuild. If only Vinatieri was still kicking, he would have been a fun addition to this group of veteran leaders. Unfortunately, leadership awards you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Corey “Lovable Loser” Ortiz

Coming into this year, Corey’s 16-36 record leaves a lot to be desired. Even after his 2-1 start, he is still in last place overall in the 5 years that TLM has existed. The downhill spiral of going from 7-6 to 5-8, then to back to back 2-11 seasons couldn’t have been fun, but it has led to him getting Jonathan Taylor and Josh Jacobs the last two years, setting him up with an exciting RB group. With only a 2022 4th left in his draft pick chest, he better make sure those guys carry him to some victories these upcoming years. We used to love seeing our matchup with Corey, but that is changing. Also, we will always cherish the random messages he throws into the GroupMe.


Corey “Kicker King” Ortiz

So 2 kickers. Neither on a bye. I don’t get it. I suppose it’s fun to have Younghoe Koo on the team so you can run around making jokes like “My old lady trippin’, but my Younghoe Koo” and such, but when you are trying to claw your way out of the cellar, is it worth it? Maybe it is. The good thing is that they are both top 8 kickers currently. Go off, king.


Bryce “Buzzsaw” Baker

A classic nickname. I’m pretty sure he gave it to himself. But also, old reliable, Mr. Consistency. His records in TLM: 7-6, 6-7, 7-6, 7-6. However, with no top-3 finishes (and only 2 playoff appearances) to show for it, he is hoping to fire up the troops and make some noise in the playoffs this year.


Bryce “Al Gore” Baker

We all know what happened last year. Karma took over due to randomly starting a rivalry with John, and we witnessed Bryce have the second-most points in the league and not make the playoffs. Ouch. However, since playoffs are not decided by points, he was not able to show off his players in the playoffs and the people still can’t understand how he botched that one. Maybe he should pursue a new interest? (Also, thought about giving him the Baker Mayfield award for having a great supporting cast of playmakers and doing nothing with it, but he is 3-0 right now so it didn’t quite fit.)


Austin “Worst Bench I’ve Ever Seen” Bettis

Truly wow. Justice Hill, Bryce Love, John Ross III, Jalen Hurts, Eno Benjamin, and Xavier Jones wouldn’t even be good enough for a roster spot on MY TEAM. That says it all. Plus waiting on Antonio Brown to be released from the insane asylum leads to a short bench. Good thing he had his first-round pick this year to help that which he used on… Ke’Shawn Vaughn. Woof. We can just pretend he took James Robinson in the first and picked up Vaughn in free agency.


Austin “Eventually the Dynasty is Going to Come Crashing Down” Bettis

With 7-6, 10-3, 8-5, and 8-5 career records, in addition to 2 championships, a runner-up, and a 3rd place finish, I think everyone is ready for his reign to be over. Every year we look at his shallow roster and aging lineup and prepare for his demise. Savvy waiver/free agency rookie pickups Darius Slayton and James Robinson over the last couple years have kept him successful.


Zach “Most intimidating matchup” Carmody

Starting with his ridiculous Pat Mahomes/Tyreek Hill stack, this team just looks so much better on paper than any other team. Losing Saquon Barkley hurts, but with Tyler Lockett, Joe Mixon, Mike Gesicki, Robert "Bobby Trees" Woods, Will Fuller V, Evan Engram, Austin Hooper, Tom Brady, Marvin Jones Jr. (ok I’m done) as SECONDARY pieces, this lineup top to bottom is insane. Somehow 1-2 with the only win over Heery, but I’m still expecting a rebound here.


Zach “Anti-Reagan” Carmody

If anyone’s patience has ran thin with Reagan, it’s Zach’s. Sure, Reagan is the league’s annoying little brother, but some guys put up with their little brothers and some don’t. Zach does not. If I have to hear Reagan cry about not getting a message back from someone again, I’m gonna lose it. I would love to see a deal made between these two rivals that never actually speak, but I’m not holding my breath.


Tom “Started Willie Snead IV, Russell Gage, and Peyton Barber over Nick Chubb” O’Keefe

I still don’t understand this one. Honestly, I doubt I ever will. I mostly just want this decision to

be in the TLM website archives forever so we can look back on it and get a cheap laugh every

once in a while. Chubb dominated Thursday Night Football, but luckily Tom still crushed his

matchup so the laughs don’t really mean anything.


Tom “Everywhere in between” O’Keefe

Tom has finished between 4-9 and 7-6 every year of TLM. Also, as far as physical attractiveness in the league, he may have the least attractive (Hunter Renfrow) and most attractive (Jimmy Garoppolo) players in the league, making the rest of his team feel very comfortable in the middle if they decide to go to the bar together. Honestly, I feel like Renfrow is 40 years old due to that hairline and seemingly being at Clemson for 10 years making huge 3rd down receptions.


John “Most likely to do a boring team rebrand” Elder

John has had some stinkers of team names. However, I like the new “2K Miles & Moore” Lufthansa reference that also incorporates DJ Moore and Myles Gaskin (who apparently is a thing now? He’s looked good and Flores seems to love him). Smart, funny, references his actual players (which has been a problem for some of y’all in the past) = Good name. Please don’t change it.


John “Most White Skill Positions” Elder

With a compliment comes this. The Clark VerHulst “Sandwich” where you say something good before saying something that you don’t like, then following it with another compliment. I hate that you have a white running back and 2 white receivers. Rex Burkhead, Danny Amendola, Trent Taylor. I’m surprised you didn’t make the trade for Renfrow, to be honest. These guys contribute a lot of grit, toughness, deceptive speed, and are 3 rd down targets that know where the first down marker is. Ugh. But you seem nice and deal with Bryce’s random grenades into the GroupMe (Sandwich achieved).


David “CMC Disciple” Salisbury

Christian McCaffrey has led David to the best overall regular season record in TLM, with a 36-19 lifetime record with a championship and a runner-up finish. He should build him a shrine for the contributions that he has made towards his TLM success.


David “Trent Dilfer” Salisbury

This game manager used just 8 moves for his entire championship 2019-20 season. That was 61 less than Zack (who had a nice 69)! In Dilfer’s 2000 Super Bowl winning season, he played 11 games and threw 12 touchdowns. This is what happens when you draft well and aren’t forced to do anything crazy, just have fun and enjoy the ride.


Zeke “Claims every trade he has made has turned out poorly but then remembers Kareem Hunt” Anders

Zeke made a comment to Reagan saying he always seems to lose trades (which I dispute overall). This one hurts to type. Fresh off Kareem Hunt’s great 2017 season, I decided to push my chips in and go for the championship. Zeke was still very down on his luck, and I was shocked he would listen to offers on Hunt. I received Kareem Hunt, TE Kelvin Benjamin, and Terrelle Pryor for… Derrick Henry, Geronimo Allison, Kenny Stills, a 2019 1st (Kyler Murray), and a 2019 2nd (Damien Harris). Weeks later, Hunt kicks a girl in the face in a Cleveland hotel and is released, while Zeke now has a top 5 QB, top 5 RB, and a young RB. Ouch.


Zeke “Mr. Inconsistent” Anders

Zeke’s greatest TLM achievement has been that he has had the highest difference in best season (8-5 in 2019) and worst season (3-10 in 2016).. 2020 is looking promising too, possibly furthering this difference. Overall in 2020, Zeke has a good team name and a good team. Musical genius Tyga said it best:

“Girl you’re hot and cold, that makes you warm.” - Tyga, Temperature, 2018

Jordan “Get off my lawn” VerHulst

Whenever all of us idiots (Myself, Bryce, Reagan, Heery) are hanging out at the house and Jordan overhears us talking about TLM, he always makes a hurtful comment about our beautiful league. Rude. You really can’t let us losers have fun? We love it here at TLM, and we hope you all do too.


Jordan “RB Graveyard” VerHulst

With Todd Gurley and Kerryon Johnson’s 2 combined healthy knees, James Conner and his destroyed everything, and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Duke Johnson take a carry, Jordan’s future at RB appears gloomy at best. Who knows, maybe Darrynton Evans or La’Mical Perine can carve out a role to help Kareem Hunt who may be the only starting RB left on this team in 2021.


Zack “Most likely to trade his only food away for future resources in an apocalypse” VerHulst

This one was given to me by Reagan, and I liked it. Who knows, those future resources could have a significantly higher upside than the food I am trading. Maybe I didn’t even like the food I traded all that much? If you don’t check on the value of food (or players), then all I’ll be able to do with that food is use it for myself which isn’t that fun.


Zack “Wolf of Wall Street” VerHulst

Basically, the fantasy football Jordan Belfort or Jerry Dipoto. 64 trades. It’s getting ridiculous at this point. AJ Green on the block btw. I will leave you with this quote

The easiest way to make *trades* is – create something of such value that everybody wants and go out and give and create value, the *trades* come automatically. –Jordan Belfort" – Zack VerHulst
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