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  • Writer's pictureMichael Scarn

Week 1 Review, Week 2 Preview, and Reagan's Movie-watching Punishment

Hello, everyone!


With the hustle and bustle of our last week, excitement abounds for the Threat Level: Midnight Dynasty League season. Week 1 came and went with some predictable high-scorers (Patrick Mahomes, Ja'Marr Chase, Justin Jefferson, and Rex Burkhead) and some questionable coaching decisions by Denver Broncos head coach Nathaniel Hackett. A bunch of guys let us down, and another bunch helped us out.


Week 1 Review

We will start with our reigning champion, Zack, who was nervous at first, but calmed later as Jefferson murdered the Green Bay secondary. He ended up beating Reagan by 30 points, plummeting his foe into watching a 0/10 rated movie called Birdemic: Shock and Terror (linked here)...


Zach (with an H) hit a home run this week, too, taking out the Fighting Jordans' entrails and burning them in front of their families. Also, Clyde Edwards-Helaire might be back, or maybe just a Week 1 star. The score difference? More than Bryce put up against John...


Rumors swirled around Bryce's team that Kareem Hunt was unhappy about his owner and wanted out. However, Bryce wanted to have the best possible chance to beat his foe, John. Unfortunately for Bryce, John was victorious by more than 40 points. Hunt left unhappily and joined a victorious Week 1 team.


In The Battle of Austin, Heery beat Bettis by single digits. It all came down to a healthy Rashaad Penny on Monday Night Football. The victory was succulent, as Heery hasn't scored 130 points since the Vietnam War. Led by Jalen Hurts and Curtis Samuel, Bettis put up a good fight. A fun matchup for everyone to barely notice.


Corey beat Tom handily with nearly 150 points from his squad. Cooper Kupp is still Cooper Kupp and Jonathan Taylor is still Jonathan Taylor. Tom is probably excited that his new name (Samuel Adams) is eons better than his last 19.


Zeke and David scored some points this week, too. Zeke took the win as Jerry Jeudy scored a lovely, little touchdown on Monday night. Gabe Davis scored Thursday and Antonio Gibson was a nice play for Week 1. David can be confident that Christian McCaffrey is back and looks like Christian McCaffrey of old.


 

Week 2 Preview

There are some pretty lopsided matchups this week, starting with The Brother Bash. Zack vs. Jordan is expected to be very silly. Zach has John, who is hoping Russell Wilson cooks a little bit better than the salmonella-riddled, raw chicken that the Broncos showed in their first game. Corey faces Bryce. Not much going on there except Corey by 50+ points. Zeke battles Reagan in perhaps the Game of the Week (GotW), if they hold true to their projected scores. Another visionary GotW matchup could be Heery vs. David. Either could win this one, but Mike Williams is without his buddy, Keenan Allen, on Thursday night, so let's pray for dump-offs to Austin Ekeler or Jalen Guyton deep. Our last game is Tom vs. Bettis. Not super exciting here. Tom probably.


 

Weekly Pick 'Em

Heery (Last Week: 4-2)

Zack, Corey, Zach, Zeke, Tom, Heery

Reagan (Last Week: 4-2)

Zack, Corey, Zach, Reagan, Tom, Heery

Zack (Last Week: 5-1)

Zack, Corey, Zach, Reagan, Tom, David



 

There are some movies that truly transcend the medium of film. The stories they tell. The

moments the produce, and how they can be captured by combining elements of artistry that will leave an audience in awe. Yet, there are films that fall short. Perhaps from a bad script, poor planning, a bad director, acting that is atrocious. But Birdemic was not one of those. No --- My dear TLM colleagues. Birdemic was all of those.


Birdemic was a filmmaker's struggle to understand how to even grasp the basics of storytelling. At it’s core, it is an objectively heinous act, a sin of cinema, and 90 minutes of my life that I will one day repent for. I felt as if I could not summarize the atrocities over those 90 minutes as accurately as I could in a paragraph of summarization. For you to truly understand the film in its entirety, I had to take notes. I wrote down thoughts and moments that left unheralded amounts of pain and suffering. So below, I implore you to join me, timestamp by timestamp. As we journey together through my thoughts while watching this film, I hope what I have written does justice to what I watched. Father forgive them. for they know not what they film. And no, I never wondered "who will survive?"


Birdemic: Shock and Terror

(A timestamp review)

-----

5:00: Why in the hell am I watching 5 minutes of a mustang drive up a street?

5:20: whoever was holding the camera must have schizophrenia

8:30: Why is there triumphant music as he leaves his driveway? Maybe that’s an

accomplishment in LA.

10:00: HES BEEN STUCK IN TRAFFIC FOR A MINUTE. WHY IS THIS SHOWN

11:00: More traffic

11:30: Is this movie even about birds?

12:00: This is looking like a love story between a salesman and a model. Like some poor dude

dropped money to fulfill his fantasy of dating a model

13:00: Oh gawd, it is a love story

13:30: Oh shit he made a 1 million dollar sale.

14:00: He didn’t even tell her his name at the diner, how the heck does she know him?

14:30: OHHH she has his business card. Slick move

14:39: “I think you’ll look good in lingerie”. Nice opening line. Is this a Heery Biopic? (editor's note: hey that's not cool... I have a little game I think)

15:00: lol they cut back to her and she somehow is in a different car now.

16:00: “A date without sex is a date wasted”… Found Zack's character…*proceeds to take copious notes*

19:15: there is an 100% chance child trafficking happens at this rinky-dink restaurant. Didn’t he

just make a million dollars? Why are we 20 minutes in and all that has happened in two dates?

20:05: He’s a 49ers and Eagles fan. HUUH?

21:17: SHE WANTS TEN CATS?? Helllllll no. Run, dude.

24:00: Why am I still watching them talk about each other's dream girl/guys? This movie was

written by artificial intelligence.

26:00: “I made lunch”… *mom proceeds to bring out a veggie tray from Costco*

29:00: Holy SHIT. His company got bought out for a billion dollars.

30:00: Ah. Having a solar panel salesman come over. Very environmentally friendly.

32:00: Why are they still talking about solar panels?

32:25: *Audible WTF by Reagan*

33:35: “If you wanna get into her pants, you better have a hot Ferrari” – Zack character

33:40: “She’s my hot Ferrari” – Heery Character (editor's note: this one I don't protest... I've used the line before)

37:00: This is honestly a nice moment.

37:10: Aaaaaand they ruined it.

38:00: I have not seen a single bird. Not one. Is this about birds?

38:45: GEEEEESUS. That nearly blew out my eardums. Who tf edited this.

41:00: I CANT EVEN HEAR WHAT THEY ARE SAYING

42:00: Oh shoot. Dead birds on the beach…

42:45: Another date...You cannot be serious

43:15: Why is there a black man singing a song about family while two white people dance in an

empty restaurant?

44:15: Why did they show a minute of the song

45:15: LMFAOOOOO

46:00: They have been making out for a minute straight. Not a single camera cut. Just some

poor soul holding a camera while two actors make out.

47:15: THE BIRDS HAVE ARRIVED

47:30: why are there airplane noises from 1950 when they fly?

47:40: Why are there explosions?

47:50: Why….

48:00: Kinda rooting for the birds here if I'm being honest.

49:00: There has been five minutes of seagull noises so loud I cannot hear the dialogue. Can’t

decide which is worse.

51:48: They grabbed coat hangers as defense weapons

53:00: Now they have pistols, which I think are star trek toy blasters

53:30: Where the shit did he get an AR-15?

54:54: Why is there a girl under the car?

55:55: WHY IS THERE A CHILD IN THE TRUNK?

58:22: Dang I miss PSPs.

59:00: Random old guy on the bridge

60:20: PATRIOTIC MUSIC BABY

61:00: AHHH, ok now. Global warming did this

64:00: Three minutes on how Global warming affects birds. Making a solid case. I might even recycle my La Croix cans today.

66:00: I’m not a movie expert but this is starting to feel like a global warming campaign. Now I

want to throw trash into the road.

67:28: “The Eagle Killed Becky!!” #NeverForget #Justice4Becky

68:44: They’ve been shooting for four minutes straight without reloading.

69:11: SHUT UP BIRDS

72:10: Christ almighty, will these birds ever stop

73:00: Is this a green screened gas station?

73:30: A HUNDRED DOLLARS A GALLON? Oh. Nvm this is LA. Checks out.

73:44: HE GOT GAS??? Dude just spent his one-million-dollar sale on gas smh.

74:48: More driving

76:11: More driving

76:22: Are they going anywhere?

79:30: Rapey-looking homeless man in the forest

79:45: No kid, you cannot go in his treehouse. Who raised you?

80:45: Make it stop

81:55: Why are they fishing? Why is this still going on?

82:22: The birds just stopped. No explanation.

83:30: TRIUMPHANT MUSIC

84:00: is it over?

84:30: I’m not watching the credits, they don’t deserve that.


THE END


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