“These are not troops. They are skeletons. - Baron von Steuben, on arriving at Valley Forge, 1778" - Reagan watching his team last Sunday
It is with only my passion for consistency that I write this, for there is not a single ounce of me that truly has any motivation to write a recap of the absolute nonsense of the week that I endured. Yet here we are, remembering that this article is not a pity party for me, but a time to celebrate those who have succeeded in winning this week, or scoring over 100 points, which would be fun for my team to try. As things stand, our league is a clusterf*ck of teams piddling around with 3-2 or 2-3 records, while injuries piling up have devastated some of our strongest owners’ wills to push through. Nevertheless, the war wages on as our beloved NFL stars continue to take the field, while a handful make it hard for us to wonder if they even showed up last Sunday.
That being said, a “blockbuster” trade has occurred, shuffling injured star Saquon Barkley for rising, yet mediocrely talented, but still on the best offense in the league, rookie running back Clyde Edwards-Helaore. League insiders have given us an inside scoop as to the mind of Zack, who despite all odds has found a way to make a seemingly mind-blowing number of trades. Let us watch the trade vulture ask for advice, as he schemes in the backdrop of our fantasy league.
A simple question occurs,
nothing out of the ordinary...
Austin and I tone down his hype for CEH, making sure his excitement remains low with the news of Le'Veon Bell. We can’t let him get too excited for next year, we must make sure he suffers this year still.
We reinforce our argument.
BUT WAIT.
Zack is all too calm about his beloved RB not
being ranked higher than Saquon. My trade
senses are tingling...at this point, there is confirmation that a trade is in the works.
I express my gut instinct that something shady is
afoot. I’ve read too many mystery novels to be as
naïve to think this a mere fantasy related question.
Zack DENIES my subtle accusation. But the truth has never been clearer. Zack is on the prowl… If you’re reading this. Hide your stars, hide your picks, hide your rookies. Zack will stop at nothing to acquire what he desires. Until next time, stay alert.
Trade Grades
Zack: A-
I don’t think he will argue with this grade. If Saquon Barkley returns to form, and Cam Akers produces in the future this is an easy win for him, pushing the overall Grade to an A. However, with Saquon’s two-year injury history, there may be some uneasiness lingering on his side. Still, no complaints, as he still retains seven (7) first-rounders.
Zach: B
I personally am on the boat the Le'Veon Bell will have a role bigger than Darrel Williams, as Le'Veon is still a talented back, and we’ve seen how the New York Jets' players produce when they leave the Adam Gase School of Talent-Leeching turn out. I like Clyde Edwards-Helaire, he will get 15-17 touches, but his talent doesn’t warrant a top 12 back with the uncertainty. And losing a bonafide superstar in Saquon, and a rookie RB is a hefty price to pay with that uncertainty. Overall, it’s one of the few trades we see that helps both teams and their circumstances. Bravo.
Week 5 Notes
Corey has invested countless picks into his QB situation but still seems to have issues choosing which one to start. There’s an old saying that goes, “If you have two QBs, you have none.” Sure that is supposed to apply to real football, but the idea still works.
Tom’s running backs may have broken the record for fewest points scored. Which is saying something, considering I started Derrius Guice and Alexander Mattison for the majority of last season.
David seems to be hanging in there, with the help of recently acquired Christian Kirk and Ronald Jones Jr., as he awaits the return of his beloved Christian McCaffrey.
Week 5 Awards
The “Defense Wins Regular-season Games” medal goes to Bryce, for his defense outscoring Bettis’, providing the needed boost in their matchup.
The “Bye Week Blues” award goes to John, for having 3 starters on bye weeks, which may have cost him the game.
The “Pickup Football” pendant goes to Heery, for starting swaggy QB Fitzpatrick, who plays the game like he’s in the backyard, while the rest of his team probably belong playing in a backyard.
Week 6 Preview and Picks
Larry had a Lil’ Lamb VS 2X Miles and Moore (I expect a rebrand soon)
Fitzpatrick plays the Jets, so that’s helpful. John gets his team back, so that’s a bit more helpful.
Game Picks:
Austin: Austin
Reagan: John
Zack: John
Psycho Kylers VS D’ Dee and Dede
Tom, I applaud your effort, however, your lineup reeks of issues. Starting Willie Snead IV, and both Lions running backs is not a recipe for a win. Especially not with a scorching hot Zeke, who only
has Chris Carson on bye.
Game Picks:
Austin: Zeke
Reagan: Zeke
Zack: Zeke
I’m the Cook VS Run CMC
Rumor has it that CMC will be out until Week 9, meaning David has quite a few games to pick
up if he hopes on sneaking into the playoffs. Fortunately, a potential shootout is looming for
Josh Allen against Kansas City, meaning Corey better get his act together and choose the right
QB. No Josh Jacobs or Darren Waller will also hurt Corey’s chances of cruising through David’s
solid squad.
Game Picks:
Austin: David
Reagan: David
Zack: Corey
Unsolicited Dak Pics VS R u shitting (on) me
Without passing mogul Dak Prescott, Jordan now faces a slightly larger climb to the playoffs,
behind the re-emergence of Superman himself, Cam Newton. Meanwhile, per usual, Bettis is sitting at a 3-2 record, with a tough loss against Bryce last week, as the trade deadline looms
over his future. The rainy weather favors Jordan, so that’s who I’m gonna take.
Game Picks:
Austin: Jordan
Reagan: Jordan
Zack: Bettis
The REAL BAD Hombres Vs. MixonitUpW/Mahomies
I’ll say this, Zack’s team finds a way to put the ball in the end zone. But I think the fantasy football gods and Zack himself have a feeling that CEH will be scoring a handful of touchdowns after being traded away. It just seems fitting.
Game Picks:
Austin: Zach
Ragan: Zach
Zack: Zach
Monty in the Grave VS Baker of Chains
Does Bryce have an RB2 yet? No.
Does my team like to perform to their level of talent? No.
Is Fantasy Football fun for me at this point? Unsure.
If there’s any week I would love a big win, it’s this one. Which means I expect Bryce to forget to field a full lineup, and my team to score 87 points.
Game Picks:
Austin: Reagan, unless Bryce trades for one of my backup RBs
Reagan: Torn, but Reagan
Zack: Bryce, probably out of spite
Overall Pick Total:
Austin: 19-11
Zack: 18-12
Reagan: 15-15
At least Michigan Football starts soon, I guess…
Ice Cold Take of the Week
At least one of them made it into the 1st round of our draft...
9/19/2019
Signing off.
Reagan Cotton.
Worn out Fantasy Owner.
Future retired Fantasy Owner.
Plz Send Help.
Can confirm: Zack is sneaky