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  • Writer's pictureMichael Scarn

Wirst Take // Ep.5 // Week 6 Review and Week 7 Preview

Well, the poor get poorer and the rich get richer. After losing ground on the Bijan Stakes, Heery loses big to Zack, scoring a nice 69.20 points. Adding to that, John beat Zeke, making that pick slide down the first round. Additionally, Jordan scored less than 60, so that score differential between Jordan and Bryce is starting to gape. Sad day here at the Heery Home. However, we bring you another episode of Wirst Take where they ramble on about nothing much.


 


Heery:

Welcome back to Wirst Take, sponsored by Huggies. With all of you dads out there wiping butts, sometimes it feels nice to get your own diaper changed. Introducing their XXL adult diapers. For when you want talcum powder more than anything in the world.

Hi, I'm Heery Qerim-Rose squished like a bug between Zax Kellerman and Reagan A. Smith.

Fellas, what's happening? How's the gang doing this late evening?


Zack:

Undefeated, as usual. I wish I could taste defeat, just to remember what it felt like, but you slapdicks suck at fantasy football.


Reagan:

Oh hi guys! First and foremost: I think it’s apparent there is a huge divide in this league...


Heery:

I asked how you were doing Reagan.


Reagan:

I would argue there is not just one war going on, but possibly another...


Zack:

TWO WARS?!? Are either of these wars happening on US soil?


Heery

You’re telling me there are two wars going on right now?



Reagan:

Yes, indeed: one for a playoff berth, and the other for how long it’ll take to recover from tanking. That is my opening statement.


Heery:

Yeah there’s a very serious divide about to occur.


Reagan:

Heery and Tom in no man’s land and about to choose a direction. Gonna be the saddest race for playoffs, as it won’t exist. #MakeTheMiddleClassGreatAgain


Zack:

It is rather sad that the playoffs are set after Week 6.


Heery:

Never know. I’m coming for the top.


Zack:

Heery, you suck. You have broke 100 in three of your six games.



Reagan:

Heery, I’ve been trying to work a trade with each other, but you won’t budge or do anything.


Zack:

You need this reality check.


Heery:

Yeah, my team sucks, I know; I’m just trying to have fun here.


Zack:

With your best player now done until fantasy playoffs (which you will not be in), we love you and your “Never give in” spirit. Unlike the rest of these clowns at the bottom, at least Heery and AB have a chance at playoffs next year. The rest… no chance.


Reagan:

Zeke is trying to win and John is doing things, I think.

I just think it would be funny if Heery makes some magnificent rise to squeak right into the playoffs.


Zack:

Sorry, sorry.


Heery:

Six weeks down. Anything you guys wanna bring up?


Zack:

Heery, you're supposed to work on the questions.


Heery:

B*tch , I do all the other c***sucking work, do something other than look pretty.


Reagan:

You do love some c***sucking work. I digress with this: David is an enigma. He's like the Vikings. Somehow good and also 5-1. I’m doubting that he is actually a real person.

Sorry.


Heery:

Well, Josh Allen….


Zack:

I would like to bring up that the Reagan Rule has generated $95 through six weeks. Looking forward to the $100 celebration with my fiancee!


Reagan:

But every one of David’s players score 10 per week. Routinely. And Zack stay on topic, You’re like a gerbil with ADHD.


Heery:

Mike Williams had 2.7 points.


Reagan:

David still scored 160 points on the week.


Zack:

I don’t have to play off your dumbass ideas.


Reagan:

Imagine it's playoffs. Who would you not wanna play, Zack? Heery, too, I guess.


Zack:

Another point: it is sad that Reagan is scared to talk shit these days. Remember the good ol' days when he was slinging hot takes and calling people dumb in the chat? Doesn’t happen anymore.


Heery:

I don't wanna play Zack, and that’s clear. Reagan has changed.


Reagan:

Yeah, I’ve gotten flaccid. Gotta get hard again.


Zack:

I wouldn’t want to play Zach. The Dolphins and Chiefs are two offenses that continue scoring touchdowns when league touchdowns are down 22% from last.


Reagan:

But I don't know; it feels like I need to actually do something this year before talking sh*t. I’d rather play Zach before David.

The list probably should go Zack, then David and Corey, Zach, and then Tom.


Zack:

Playing Tyreek and Waddle in fantasy is probably about as scary as playing them in real life, I imagine.


Reagan:

Okay, but I’m not worried about the rest of them.


Heery:

Zack, David, Zach, Corey, Reagan, Tom is my list for my 2022 least favorite to play awards.


Reagan:

Heery, I’ll whoop your pasty, white ass again. Put some respect on my name because I'm second in points with half my damn RBs hurt. Plus, My quarterbacks have trouble even throwing the football, right now.


Heery:

You are the River Cracraft of this operation.



Zack:

Biggest disappointments of the league so far: Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, and Matthew Stafford.

Reagan:

Thank you, Zack. QBs should be crucified, right after kickers


Heery:

Yeah, having stud QBs blow chunks this year is kinda sad.


Zack:

Reagan and I did our best to improve our own QB situation (Reagan returning Stafford and acquiring Rodgers, me acquiring Tom Brady and Russ Wilson), but to no avail.


Reagan:

Also, Is Jordan’s lineup or Heery's last year more depressing? Jordan’s team has no hope, it seems. Bijan better work out.

Heery:

Jordan’s. Not even close.


Zack:

Jordan’s this year lineup has zero players who should touch his lineup next year. Clearly Jordan’s is the answer here.


Reagan:

I wonder if a team has ever won a championship without a top-10 QB.


Zack:

I had Dak last year. Was he top 10?


Reagan:

He finished seventh, it says on the screen. They know they all are being replaced and hardly put up a fight. (I picked Jordan this week). Heery's team tries, but it’s like a toddler swinging at an older brother who has a hand on his head stopping him from touching him.


Heery:

I’m gonna bite your finger real quick.


Reagan:

It would be better if Justin Herbert actually lived up to his namesake. Not even a top-12 QB. I'm pretty sure Carson Wentz is higher than him.


Zack:

Speaking of that… we are all rooting for Davis Mills to remain the starter. Go Texans!



Heery:

We love General Mills.


Reagan:

Zack, I hope you lose in the semifinals starting Geno Smith.


Heery:

I want him to win with Geno.


Reagan:

Heery, Zack doesn’t want what’s best for you. Stop listening to him.


Heery:

Zack has never changed.


Reagan:

He’s Wormtongue. And you’re the king of Rohan, who Wormtongue whispers sweet deceitful nothings into his ear.


Heery:

How did I get to be king?



Reagan:

I’m putting this entire episode on my back. Step it up


Zack:

Nah, I’ve done better than you. You’re basically that hack from ESPN, Max Kellerman. You provide nothing.


Reagan:

I would argue I’m more that moron, Stephen A. Smith. As said in the Episode 1 ending, Heery really struggling with questions here.


Zack:

Heery, have you fallen asleep?


Heery:

I’m allowing you cucks to argue.


Reagan:

He probably "accidentally" clicked a p*rn advertisement and forgot about us.


Zack:

Sorry, sorry, I got distracted. What are the odds that Heery pays for p*rn? Gotta be high...


Heery:

Ahkay.


Reagan:

At one point, possibly. Not now. On the other hand, he be keeping us updated on scores on Sundays so we think he’s watching football.


Heery:

What do you guys think the reason is behind the lack of "titties" this season?

For me, not the fantasy league.


Zack:

*Laughs* That was pretty good. Can you describe what "titties" are for our loyal fans, Reagan?


Reagan:

Heery, that was an incredible segway, d*mn it all. Probably defenses playing more Cover 3 and Cover 2 to limit the deep shots. Shorter routes means more running clock means quicker games. Feels like a lot of cowardly teams going for field goals within the five yard line, too.


Zack:

Bad QB play. Like Reagan said, the only fantasy QBs worth a shit right now are Josh, Lamar, Hurts, Mahomes, and Geno Smith. That is hurting WRs, but RB are staying surprisingly healthy, playing like butt.


Heery:

So running Cover 2 and 3 gets me some ass?


Reagan:

I’d cover zero holes in your case, Heery. Geno Smith is not elite. Stop it.

Wentz and Herbert are right next to each other.


Heery:

I think that’s fine. Surprised you guys thought I paid for p*rn at some point.


Zack:

I still do.


Reagan:

I’ve always respected you as a man who favors quality, and you have to pay for quality.


Heery:

I do prefer quality, but I’ve never paid for p*rnography.


Zack:

That is a shocker, but I am proud of you, Heery.


Heery:

Shocker? That’s insane. Sh*t's free everywhere, why would I pay?


Zack:

I feel like that was a solid episode. Probably could have used one more zinger.


Reagan:

Anyone we didn’t hit?


Zack: Corey, Zeke, John, AB, and Tom


Reagan:

I touched on John, Zeke, and Tom. Just no content there.


Heery:

I'm sure you did, you little stinker.


Zack:

And Corey has QB5, so can’t even make fun of that.


Reagan:

Maybe next time we make sure Heery steers us to each member.


Heery:

You love steering members, don't ya, Reagan?


Reagan:

But I--


Heery:

And that's all we have time for today, everyone. Not a lot of fantasy football talk in this episode, but we hope you wasted at least five minutes of your day. We're powered by taking that time from you and also by the Beltline Bar in Grand Rapids, Michigan, home of the regionally-known wet burrito. For Zax Kellerman and Reagan A. Smith, I'm Heery Qerim-Rose. BYE!


 

Week 6 Review

Zack beats Heery's rear to remain undefeated, 154.35-69.20

Continuing his reign, Zack rides on the whiskers of former cats in Jefferson, Chase, Barkley, and Kelce. Heery had another rough week as every single one of his starters underperformed their projections except for Michael Pittman and his 13 receptions.


Corey knocks off Zach for third straight win, 138.00-132.70

The Game of the Week held up to its title as Corey used a combo of Deon Jackson (Taylor and Hines' replacement) and Joe Burrow's 40-piece to take the W. John's Miami connection has created a monster receiver crew in which Hill and Waddle combined for 18 catches and over 300 receiving yards.


Davids wins fifth straight, smoking Bettis in 161.25-88.35 landslide

A surprise day for Patriots rookie WR Tyquan Thornton, scoring twice, and Ken Walker III's first start gave Bettis just enough hope to forget about the rest of his team. David used Josh Allen's 300 and 3 game alongside three team rushing and three team receiving touchdowns.


Reagan beats predictions and Bryce in 160.05-88.60 romp

A couple of touchdowns catapulted Bryce over 80 points this week, but it clearly wasn't enough. Only two of Reagan's touchdown-eligible players scored this week (Sutton, Njoku). Diggs had another Diggs-like game and Breece, Ekeler, Andrews, and Cooper scored. Surprisingly, Aiyuk was targeted enough in key plays to score twice as well.


Offensively-challenged and battered Tom hardly beats Jordan, 82.70-58.50

This matchup was yucky. Jordan's lineup scored 0 touchdowns, including his quarterback and namesake, Zach Wilson. Tom had a similar illness, but scored a total of one. No, it wasn't Metcalf. No, it wasn't Chubb. No, it wasn't Kittle or McLaurin. It was a passing touchdown from Lamar Jackson. May God have mercy on your rosters, gentlemen.


John hands Zeke his fifth straight loss, 104.20-90.80

In a matchup that Justin Fields was the leading scorer, John beat Zeke through sheer determination, heart, AJ Brown, and the Rams defense. Zeke made it close, however, as Etienne, Gabe Dave, and Brian Robinson Jr. all scored over 10.

 

Week 7 Preview

Our Game of the Week in Week 7 is between Zack (6-0, first) and David (5-1, second). The 1 vs 2 matchup will not include Josh Allen, Adam Thielen, or Miles Sanders for David and Justin Jefferson and the Eagles for Zack, but make no mistake--points will be scored, we hope.


The next best game appears to be Corey (5-1, third) vs Heery (2-4, seventh). Not much good has been happening for Heery recently, but with some favorable matchups for Herbert, Lamb, and Pittman, Heery hopes for some healing here.


Reagan (4-2, fourth) matches up against Bettis (1-5, tenth).

Zach (4-2, fifth) looks to face Zeke (1-5, ninth).

Tom (4-2, sixth) should beat Bryce (1-5, eleventh).

Finally, John (2-4, eighth) will take on Jordan (1-5, last) to round out the week.


 

Weekly Pick 'Em

Heery (Last Week: 5-1, Overall: 30-6)

Zack, Corey, Reagan, Zach, Tom, Jordan

Reagan (Last Week: 4-2, Overall: 26-10)

Zack, Heery, Reagan, Zach, Tom, Jordan

Zack (Last Week: 5-1, Overall: 26-10)

Zack, Corey, Reagan, Zach, Tom, John

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