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  • Writer's pictureMichael Scarn

Wirst Take // Ep. 6 // Week 10 Review, Trade Deadline Talk, Playoffs?, and Week 11 Preview


Heery:

Hey, everyone, it’s once again time for Wirst Take. Ugly as always, loud-mouthed Reagan A. Smith and opinionated Zax Kellerman join me, Heery Qerim-Rose, the beautiful sandy blonde, at the desk. Today we've got a loaded show with lots of topics. Speaking of loaded, one of today's sponsors is Wendy's: we do burgers, but for some reason, we've added a loaded baked potato to our menu. What's up fellers? Zack how'd your game go?


Zack:

I’m doing great. Again, bored with this league cuz you are all trash, but no complaints because I am unbeatable. I’ve ran 24 straight off you limp dicks. But yeah, other than that, I’m doing great. I'm on the bus after a tough road win for the Ranger Rangers.

Heery can I ask how you’re doing? Your team is tragically bad again, fighting for last place instead of playoffs like it was supposed to be. You have taken the throne for the worst manager record in league history. Can I offer you a nice egg in this trying time?

Heery:

Eggs make me toot. Speaking of toots. Reagan, how are you?


Reagan:

First and foremost Jordan doesn’t deserve Bijan. I hope he pays $300 for Reagan rule and gets screwed with the picks.


Zack:

I also hope this. He doesn’t deserve him for purposely giving away anyone that scores points. This will be the saddest rebuild ever because it will not turn around for many moons.


Heery:

I am also well, Reagan, thanks for returning the cordiality.


Reagan:

You have one bullet: Hitler, Bin Laden, Jordan

Who we taking out?



Heery:

Sorry about all that. We've taken a dark turn here, folks


Reagan:

Office reference, Heery. It’s okay.


Zack:

Line up Hitler and Bin Laden and shoot through their necks. Let Jordan know he was close for what he’s done. His last warning.


Heery:

What about Jordan’s fall has turned you all sour?


Zack:

QUICK, EVERYONE! RANK THE MANAGERS WHO YOU'D LEAST LIKE TO SEE WIN.

1. Reagan

2. David

3. Corey


Reagan:

I like wise rebuilding. I love the middle class. I love America really.

Jordan anti American. He hates the troops. Like his brother. That seems to be the only conclusion, here. Troop-hating commish.


(Editor's Note: We're sorry for the expletives in this screenshot. They are shown to show the true feelings of our co-commissioner about our blessed and beloved troops abroad and at home)

Heery:

Fair arguments. As mediator, Reagan do you have a Top-three hate-to-see-win list?


Reagan:

1) Zack


Gap wider than Heery's cheeks being clapped every week


2) David

3) Tom?


Zack:

Heery you too. Don't be a b*tch.

Man, a rough couple years for you, huh Reagan?


Reagan:

I’m doing alright. Got some grit on my team finally.


Heery:

As you all know, I’m the middle man. I give up 150 points a matchup and take my lumps. We will carry on to our next topic...


Reagan:

Zack's team's getting soft, I think. David’s teams getting hurt. Corey going crazy and starting bench players... It’s all mental now; we’re in the trenches.

John is like Andrew Garfield in Hacksaw Ridge. No weapon, but dang, he is going hard.

Zack is like Clarence in 8-Mile.



Zack:

John gonna sneak in over Tom or Corey.

Heery, let's go! Don't be weak...


Heery:

Secretly? Between just us girls?


Zack:

Yeah, come on, Heer...


Heery:

I guess it's

1. David

2. Corey

3. Tom


Zack:

Very fun. John is gonna sneak in over Tom or Corey.


Heery:

How do you all see that playing out?


Zack:

One more Corey injury and that man is in trouble


Reagan:

Reagan's missing playoff percentage calculator says:

Tom 55%

John 35%

Corey 10%


Heery on a side note I wanna help you beat Tom this week so let’s chat after

could be a fun train ride I’d like to help you get on if you know what I mean. (Editor's Note: it's a side joke about Brandon Aiyuk and how Reagan and I would join the Aiyuk Hype Train)

It’s not the train that your opponents run on you either...


Heery:

I'm getting really used to those.


Zack:

I really hope John gets in. Corey is a little too big in his britches for the lack of success he has had in seven years (congrats on the one win to get that ever-elusive 3rd place finish). Plus, Tom’s team was insane 365 days ago, and now fighting for a playoff birth. That's gotta be one of my favorite thing about dynasty leagues.


Reagan:

Yeah we had Tom real high this off-season. Felt like we cooled off as season came closer, though. There was some regression from some top-tier guys.


Heery:

It’s the false sense of safety for me.


Reagan:

You know, it’s really the falling out of Corey/Tom missing playoffs. Age is catching up and Heery/Bettis/Jordan all with a lot of picks to use. Could see some killer moves happen.


Zack:

Heery, I’m excited for you to get a couple players and be able to hit 120 points weekly. #RomeWasntBuiltinaDay


Reagan:

Heery has been building Rome since the Stone Age and there is a single wall built.


Heery:

Well, I don't build walls, tear them down, pretend they're stable, tear them down again, build some, and tear down the rest like you do. Meanwhile, Zack and his horde pillage your homes.

Who would you like to see make some moves in the next couple days?


Reagan:

Anyone. Truly anyone. Trade deadline and people are jerking off to Keep Trade Cut and sacrificing their firstborn to that website.


Zack:

I’ve made my move. I feel confident none of you lazy slap-dicks will do anything, continuing my reign. Keep Trade Cut - where overvaluing weird picks (like late 2nds) is common and sucker all of you in.


Reagan:

Still a few days left.


Zack:

Reagan you’re being too nice. Go for the jugular.


Reagan:

If I said what I wanted to say, I’m pretty sure I’d be blacklisted.



Heery:

There are too many guys satisfied with runner-ups and being barely over .500; they are acting like me during my Drew Brees, Julio Jones, Todd Gurley days. Their rebuilds will be like my dick - long and hard.


Reagan:

Woah woah woah...


Heery:

4 inches is long.


Zack:

Heery! Welcome.


Heery:

Right?





Guys?



Please say I’m right.




Reagan:

Yikes. You know, every man has to look at themselves and say, “Can I beat Zack on any given Sunday?” If you can’t, what the hell are you doing? It’s really, "Can my team drop 150?"


Zack:

Love the real estate I own in your head.


Reagan:

If you haven’t scored 150 at least three times this year, what are we doing here? I mean, if an NFL team asks themselves "Can I beat out Mahomes and Allen?”, answer "no", and still think they are contenders, they're dumb and wrong. Just thinking about this logically.


Zack:

Any of our seven playoff contenders not hit 150 3-5 times?


Reagan:

I’d have to research.


Zack:

Corey maybe

John maybe

Tom maybe


Reagan:

The advantage is at quarterback obviously. Zack's gotta have one or two weeks with under 20 points QB scoring. So, Tom could in theory do it with a premier Lamar game. Carmody and David have their guys... I have like 9 QBs, so I pray for matchups.


Zack:

GENO IS QB7 -- Going forward, I have my solution.


Reagan:

Also plays San Francisco in Week 15.


Zack:

[expletive].


Heery:

Zack, how’d you feel this past weekend almost losing to Corey?


Zack:

It was terrifying. Had a devil on my shoulder (Reagan) when I hit three touchdowns in a 15-second span that told me to talk sh*t and end Corey. Luckily, I won the kicker battle, but almost losing to Corey is a hit to the pride. Two-a-days this week with my team.



Heery:

Another week another kicker saving the day...


Reagan:

Zack's a [expletive] who gets afraid when he only has a 70% chance of winning.


Zack:

You’re not wrong...


Reagan:

Hence why he’s clipboard [expletive] at Ranger College. Heery: give me some questions now, I’m fired up.


Zack:

In other news, at 10:05p.m. Central time, Jordan just texted asking if I was interested in Kmet for Pitts. I truly cannot...


Heery:

What’s your beef with David and Tom, too, I guess?


Reagan:

Lol @ Jordan. Tom is just a pain to trade with. David doesn’t realize it’s a dynasty league. He won one year so it’s hard to talk trash with.


Zack:

I’m actually not clipboard [expletive]. I’m one of two coaches able to do a scout since the others are actual slap-dicks. So it’s a scout and their plays drawn up. But thank you.


Heery:

That’s not being fired up, Reagan. Weaker than mild taco sauce.


Reagan:

Eh, I don’t really hate them. I want to but I can't.


Zack:

David responds with life advice when I ask for price check on players.



Reagan:

Good. You need all the help you can get. Any news on the bottom six? Bryce's team gonna be brutal next year when everyone else has talent.


Zack:

Bottom five all suck and most don’t have their own picks. Riveting stuff.


Reagan:

Yeah some questionable tanking going on. What’s the Reagan Rule pot at?


Heery:

$4,203.46


Zack:

I would say Bryce would go 0-14. But, I assumed Jordan would too and he has two wins already. RR is at $180.


Reagan:

Oh my 'lanta.


Zack:

1. Bryce $45

2. Jordan $40

3. Both Austin’s $25


Zack, Tom and David all with 0 RRs. Sorry, Reagan, your hate list are the three best teams in the league.


Reagan:

Naturally. I don’t know if Tom and David are top three, though.


Zack:

Ah, yes, Tom is not.


Zack:

David still sucks, though, with his weird team names.


Heery:

Speaking of team names: if you were John what would your team name be? Because that lazy bones has not changed his name yet.


Reagan:

I’m not a team name guy. Took me years to perfect mine. Bettis is just kinda *there* for now. See what happens this off-season. He could make some fun moves


Zack:

John’s Magnificent Team. Keep it simple


Reagan:

John got a lotta pieces lowkey. Needs to consolidate.


Heery:

Well John you have two votes for "John’s Magnificent Team" and one for "John's Consolidated Team." Choose your weapon...


Zack:

Who needs to make a big move at the deadline?


Reagan:

Tom. That Najee trade was a weird, lateral move. It's either go for gold or re-tool for next season. Neither has happened.



Zack:

David, Corey, and myself has nothing to trade, leaving four options. I think it should be John, as playoffs aren’t in reach, and once you make it, you got a shot.


Reagan:

Like that. Doesn’t own the pick. This is the year for a gamble for everyone really


Zack:

Right. Take a swing.


Heery:

Taking a swing takes lots of courage. You can have this courage, too, with a quick trip to Kohl's -- find your confidence in their new winterwear collection. It's great for any snowy and cold occasion. That being said, our time is up. For the three cold, dark, snowy, wintery hearts at the desk, I'm Heery Qerim-Rose, that's Zax Kellerman and Reagan A. Smith. We will see you again.



 

Week 10 Review

With the spirit of Wirst Take taking up a lot of my free time, I (the esteemed and unworthy Treasurer of this Dynasty League) will make this review shorter than normal.

Zack took on Corey in a nailbiter, 151.20-149.65, thanking George Blanda, fantasy football god of kicking for the points in the kicker slot

Zach pulled the upset on David 123.35-112.10, where a few injuries hurt David's final score and Mahomes pulled Zach ahead

Reagan took the win against Tom, 140.15-127.60

John continues his recent dominance, putting up 152.25 to Heery's 96.60 because of Fields, Kirk, and Pollard (all of whom he traded for)

Zeke beat Bryce 109.70-88.00

Jordan pulled a surprise upset on Bettis, 85.05-79.65, thanks to Darius Slayton, who Jordan swiftly traded away


 

Week 11 Preview

Game of the Week is between Reagan (7-3, third) and Zach (7-3, fourth). This is an interesting matchup, no doubt. Reagan is searching for another key victory and point-bounce to reach a bye first week of playoffs and Zach is being dangled in front of a pretty tough upcoming schedule. Both have really solid teams, but Zach is without his three-headed dolphin monster. Can't wait.


After a really close one, our reigning champion and current scoring leader by almost two full games, Zack (10-0, first) is gonna do his absolute best to keep his 24-game win streak rolling against a Bettis (2-8, ninth). Not expecting much from the opposition, here, but would be really fun to see the in-law destroy the outlaw.


David (7-3, second) is gonna commit murder on Bryce (1-9, dead last), probably.


Corey (7-3, fifth) is currently starting an interesting lineup, benching his stars, and playing weird mind games with his opponent: John (6-4, seventh). Corey is trying to play some...different...mind games. A win by John would be an elite change of the winds for his team. The League Office is kind of rooting for John. A fun story. Content!


Tom (6-4, sixth) faces up against Heery (2-8, tenth). Hopefully, Heery can hold Tom's group under 150 points...


Zeke (3-7, eighth) faces a Jason-Voorhees-mutilated Jordan squad (2-8, eleventh)


 

Weekly Pick 'Em

Heery (Last Week: 5-1, Overall: 48-12)

Zach, Zack, David, Tom, Corey, Zeke

Reagan (Last Week: 5-1, Overall: 46-14)

Reagan, Zack, David, Heery, John, Zeke

Zack (Last Week: 4-2, Overall: 43-17)

Reagan, Zack, David, Tom, Corey, Zeke


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