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  • Writer's pictureMichael Scarn

Wirst Take // Ep. 7 // Rivalry Week part 2, Playoff Preview, and more

Updated: Dec 16, 2022



This episode of Wirst Take is brought to you by DraftKings. DraftKings: where you blow you weekly allowance on the under and spread between Memphis basketball and anyone else they play. Boy, they can't make a shot, but they play great defense. Alabama's in town? Easy money. Smash the under. First half score: 36-33 Alabama. We are looking good for this $7 payout.


*Goes to bed*


Ohhhhhh! A 110-point combined second half? Bye, bye, allowance! DraftKings: lose your money here.



Heery:

I promise I'm done crying about it. Welcome back! I'm your host, Heery Qerim-Rose, and to my right and left are Zax Kellerman and Reagan A. Smith, I guess. Gents -- it's the playoffs.


Reagan:

The what?


Heery:

You’ve never been?


Reagan:

Dang, Heery I was gonna make a joke about myself there... I would like to pose this question off the bat. What would our intro song be?


Heery:

Our intro song would be "Roxanne" by the Police, probably.


Zack:

Sorry I'm quiet over here. I just don’t have a good answer. What a bad question, Reagan.


Reagan:

*sigh* I guess I'm going to carry this show again.


(Editor's Note: Reagan only carries disease and his fantasy team to a lovely third place finish)


Heery:

I’m starting to understand Tim Cook’s anger.


Reagan:

Heery, when do the questions start?


Heery:

Reagan, when’re you gonna watch that gay p*rn sequel you’re so invested in?


Reagan:

Great question. Gonna try to get to it this weekend. I'm actually thinking about making it a fun vlog.


Heery:

I’m watching Avatar 2 tomorrow and Reagan’s watching some sloppy seconds.


Reagan:

Im going too many times this weekend.


Heery:

I do wanna direct our attentions to your regular season pick ‘em champion -- Me.


Reagan:

What’s the prize for that?


Heery:

Maybe watching the first of the Eating Out series?


Reagan:

We could compare notes! But yes, congrats on your tremendous victory.


Heery:

I’ll take copious amounts of notes. I just make better decisions than y’all. Teehee.


Reagan:

That is true. Zack stop watching sh*tty high school highlights and say something. Heery and I are about as electric as a ground pokemon.


Zack:

I’m here but bored of this business.


Reagan:

Dang, Heery, where are these questions? Let's get the people going.


Heery:

Wow.


Reagan:

They want venom and angst.


Heery:

Reagan how do you feel right now being your first bye week ever?


Reagan:

Meh. I didn’t join to get bye weeks. I ate sh*t for years. Gotta get a championship or else. Corey probably excited - like when the Knicks won the win in game last year or whoever it was.


Heery:

Corey more nervous or excited that he’s got Tom again? Corey won in week 1 and Tom won last week.


Reagan:

He's probably more excited than I will be after watching Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds. Especially with Deebo injury. Usually Tom has a dud game every other one.


Zack:

Corey gotta be excited. Tom’s team is terrible and wounded. That is a gimme.


Reagan:

We're setting Corey up to fail spectacularly. Love it.


Zack:

Corey gotta take what he can get, he has won what? One playoff game?


Reagan:

This is the time of they year where usually a fun waiver pickup and deep bench guy shows up to win the chip. Every year it happens. Zack losing Pierce might be interesting to monitor. David’s dinosaurs could get meteored soon...





Heery:

I think Tom comes out on top 140-120 with a nice Brock Purdy week again.


Zack:

David might have the scariest field team.


Heery:

I also think David has the best shot out of the field to beat you two. That being said Carmody wins 130-120.


Zack:

No chance!


Heery:

I request some respect on my pick em name


Reagan:

Yeah, David's team gets spooky. We need to address the elephant in the room, though:


Zack’s racism.


Heery:

I am the mediator here Reagan. We don’t talk about his racism until the end of the show.


Reagan:

People are worried we won’t address it and push it under the rug.


Heery:

Don’t worry it’s on our agenda.


Reagan:

Ok. Just checking.


Heery:

Back to David vs. Zach. Some weird weather blowing in... Zack care to explain what’s happening in Buffalo?


Reagan:

David gonna wipe the floor with Carmody's cheeks.


Zack:

Weird. But, there is some cold weather and flurries. A little scary for Josh Allen. But more scary for Zach and his Dolphins. Yeah, David gonna kill Zach.


Reagan:

Could also be a high receptions game for his Dolphins.


Heery:

Tua was 10/28 last week, there are few to go around as it is.


Reagan:

Probably an outlier? Adjust to good scheme and move on.


Zack:

Tua falling apart.


Reagan:

Heery, any analysis on it?


Heery:

Snapping back to reality


Reagan:

Eminem?


Heery:

Tua is most certainly not Marshal Mathers. People still can’t see through his cool touchdowns early this season. Been on a steady line and then a nice decline lately. Maybe he is Eminem actually. The last few albums been below average.





Zack:

Below average is generous.


Reagan:

Tua’s still good. But definitely got adjusted too after hot start. Heery, enough of the foreplay! Where are the hard-hitting questions? Been kissing her forehead for months, now.


Heery:

The only thing I’ve been kissing is my framed picture of Bijan.


Reagan:

I want to be sad about that. But I’m happy for you. What about all the loveable losers in the Bottom 6? Which teams have the brightest futures ranked?


Zack:

Let’s rank!


Heery:

How future is future?


Reagan:

Next 2-3 years...

  1. Heery

  2. Bettis

  3. Jordan

  4. Bryce

  5. John

  6. Zeke


Heery:

John higher than Bryce. Baldy won’t be good until year three or four from now.


Zack:

  1. John

  2. Heery

  3. Bettis

  4. Bryce

  5. Jordan

  6. Zeke


Reagan:

John has no running backs and no picks...


Heery:

  1. Heery

  2. Bettis

  3. Jordan

  4. John

  5. Bryce

  6. Zeke


Reagan:

Bettis has good WRs, a stud QB, and tons of picks. Hmm, yeah, Bryce probably below John.


Heery:

Bryce on empty until 2025 season probably. Just like our next sponsor: Marvel. Do you love superheroes and assuming you are the hero in your own story called life? Do you also love being disappointed in the storylines and dialogue? Hit up Marvel. We make a lot of movies.


Reagan:

That’s a long road. Bettis will have a fun offseason to watch.


Zack:

I’d rather be Bryce than Jordan. Jordan didn’t even get 1.01, but Bryce will.


Reagan:

Jordan and Heery offseasons pretty straight forward (barring some fun trades).


Zack:

Bettis will have a fun offseason. Probably gonna buy a fun player with some 2nd rounders.


Reagan:

But Bettis moves and Zack making moves to continue his run will be fun to watch for me.


Heery:

Reagan good with 2nd place all of a sudden...


Zack:

I’m scared to make any more moves. I made so many tragic ones...


Reagan:

Y’all know what I meant.


Zack:

Reagan always been good with 2nd place. Won’t do what he needs to do to win.


Reagan:

Zacks got the Markelle Fultz jitters. I’m not even gonna try to recover; and, b*tch, what else could I do?


Zack:

Buy a QB...


Reagan:

I bought like six this year and no one selling the Top 5 guys. I sent Zeke a better offer for Derrick Henry, but he wanted Gibson, instead. Look at the kettle calling the pot black.


Heery:

WHOA!


Zack:

Kinda racist...


Reagan:

Whoops.


Austin Gregory Heeres:

Yeah let's get this racist stuff out in the breeze. Zack I hear you have a statement prepared about your use of the K word?


Reagan:

Good idea.


Zack:

What K word was that again?


Austin Gregory Heeres:

You used the word “kook.”


Reagan:

Heery! This is a family program...


Zack:

Oh yeah...


Reagan:

Jordan’s kids read this while eating ramen. Maybe Bryce’s kids. Wherever he hid them.


Heery:

He made me sign an NDA when I found them.


Reagan:

I’d put money on Texas...


Zack:

I am sorry for using a derogatory term “kook”. Even though it means eccentric, strange, or crazy; that word was incorrectly believed to be another term during David’s odd night of drinking and rhymes. Because of that confusion, I want to apologize… TO ABSOLUTELY NOBODY!


Reagan:

ZACK NO!

Welp. There goes the website... I did enjoy rhyming night, however.


Zack:

Rhyming night did give me quite a scare

but it always lifts my spirits that in the next couple years,

David’s wins will be quite rare


Heery:

This upcoming Sunday is rhyming night in the chats if we want to inspire the two playoff games going. I will be fighting to get to the toilet bowl championship as well.


Reagan:

Rhyming night could be good.


Zack:

Who do we got in Corey vs Tom? We all going Corey? Or someone banking on him mismanaging the roster with his awful flex?


Reagan:

Yeah. Corey.


Heery:

And that is our time. Hopefully there are some Christmas gifts arriving in Amazon boxes for you all. Our next episode will be just after Christmas and the week of the Championship. Santa comes early (like Reagan) and late...



 

Weekly Pick 'Em

Heery (Last Week: 5-1, Overall: 65-19)

^ Regular Season Champion ^


Zack (Last Week: 5-1, Overall: 63-21)


Reagan (Last Week: 3-3, Overall: 61-23)





The season finale of Wirst Take will be posted before Championship Weekend...

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